Thursday, June 12, 2008

'stache #7 & 8 - crabstache

Variations on the crab moustache may be seen throughout coastal areas of the world, from the Dungenessstache of the Oregon coast to the expensive and expansive giant pink crab 'stache of western Florida. Given its pointy nature, wearers of the crab moustache has long struck fear in the hearts of those from other areas, to the point that young children were often urged to go to bed, lest the crab moustacheman catch them awake. Contrary to these silly children's myths, the crab moustache wearers are a gentle, if briny, bunch.

The crab moustache may be worn year round, but only in areas within 60 miles of a saline body of water. Here, variations, from fin to claw, are modeled by Cornelius and his brother.

'stache #6 - cornstache

Considered the ‘stache that launched a thousand wagons, the westward migration of the American pioneers were driven largely by a desire to find new fertile lands with which to grow the corn which would feed the insatiable hunger for corn moustaches along the Eastern seaboard. Not surprisingly, both Illinois and Iowa are Native American terms that translate roughly to “a good place to grow corn for Eastern moustaches.” Although popular for nearly two centuries, the corn moustache was driven to near extinction by the Ethanol boom of the early 2000s.

Bah! Ethanol, shmethanol. Get out of the car, go for a walk, and wear the corn moustache primarily in summer months.

'stache #5 - onion ring moustache

Although the french fry moustache remains the most popular of the American fried moustaches, the onion ring is a close second. Able to be molded into a variety of shapes, flavors, and styles, it is little wonder that many food moustache connoisseurs consider the onion ring ‘stache their top pick. During the Great Depression, the fried loop moustache was considered a mark of great wealth, onions having been all but decimated by the little known, but tragic, onion weevil plague of the early 1930s.

The onion ring moustache may be worn year round, although its malleability suffers in the warmer months. Cornelius and Dorcas sport these staches at Pierce's Pitt Bar-B-Que in Lightfoot, Virginia, off Route 64 on a difficult to find exit.

'stache #4 - pulled pork moustache

Few food moustaches are so steeped in controversy as the pulled pork moustache. Worn dressed in a vinegar based sauce in Eastern North Carolina, the moustache takes on a sweeter, tomato-based character in Western North Carolina. Still other areas wear the minced pork moustache in a mustard-based sauce, although most experts agree that such a variation is fundamentally disgusting. Regardless, the pulled pork moustache remains one of the most sought after of the meat moustaches, and remains a mark of distinction throughout the Southeastern United States.

Although purists insist the pulled pork moustache ought not be worn after labor day, it is not uncommon to see men sporting the mincedstache year round.

'stache #3 - ginger moustache

Ginger, the root of the gods, also makes a clever -- and tidy -- moustache. Popular in the northwestern United States and parts of Vermont, the ginger moustache enjoyed its heyday in the early 1970s, when a new generation of food moustache wearers signaled their rebellion against the then popular and widely worn frankfurter moustache by sporting the pungent root. Today, gingerlip remains a derogatory term for a young man with long hair and supposedly little work ethic.

The ginger moustache should not be worn during the summer months.

'stache #2 - bacon moustache

The navy blazer of food moustaches, the bacon moustache is stylish, timeless, and delicious. Both Chinese and Italian cultures claim invention, although modern historians typically agree that Marco Polo likely brought the porcine lip-piece back to his home country following his years-long Eastern sojourn.

Dorcas fried up this sugared and spiced bacon for Cornelius' breakfast 'stache. The bacon moustache may be worn year round.

The First 'stache - prosciutto moustache

A close, uncured cousin of the bacon moustache, the prosciutto moustache has long been favored by young men of Italian descent, many of whom view the prosciutto stache as a first step toward the pancettastache, which remains the gold standard among Italian meat moustaches. Nevertheless, the prosciutto moustache remains so ingrained in Italian culture that the Pope himself is known to grow one while vacationing.

Cornelius 'stached this delicate prosciutto while dining at Mario Batali's OTTO Enoteca. Later, he ate testa. That means head, as in head cheese. Delicious! The prosciutto moustache may be worn year round.