Friday, June 20, 2008

'stache #21 - spring roll moustache

It has been said in mainland China for centuries: No Emperor shall both unite and secure the many peoples of China without assembling a great army, maintaining robust trade with neighbors, and lodging a spring roll under his nose.
Speaking of noses.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

'stache #20 - bigote con datiles a plancha con touciƱo

The Bacon-Wrapped Date Moustache is a liphair of honor! Thought to be introduced by Philip V, the Bourbon King, the bacon-wrapped date 'stache was quickly devoured by the Spanish leisuring literati, always engaging in conspicuous consumption and imitating its enlightened despots! But who can blame them? This sweet porky morsel has survived the centuries, unscathed in reputation, and imitated only by the bacon-wrapped scallop 'stache. This moustache can be worn all year.

'stache #19 - bigote de chorizo con vino e cebola

Chorizo con vino e cebola (chorizo with wine and onion) was first 'stached by Henry the Navigator while he lollygagged his way down the coast of West Africa in the 1440s after centuries without meatmoustaching during the Black Death. The global obsession with salt popularized and secured a place in history for this meaty lip. The wine and onion addition was an obvious pretension on Henry's part to look more French. The application of this 'stache is quite dangerous and should be accompanied by a fine Tempranillo. This moustache is best worn in months starting with the letter J.

'stache #18 - knife moustache

Not a moustache at all! It is, in fact, a common kitchen utensil affixed in the manner of a food moustache. Do not be fooled.

'stache #17 - bigote de manchego

The Manchego moustache, quite obviously, was popularized by Miguel de Cervantes, whose own much larger, nappier 'stache, was caught up by and cut by an army of vicious windmills. The Manchego moustache should be worn at room temperature and is prone to sweating, and goes notably well with saffronstache, a second cousin. This moustache can be worn all year, but is best in autumn.

'stache #16 - bigote de batatas bravas

The batatas bravas, or here, the batacas bravas, and sometimes as patatas bravas, is a complicated and commonly misspelled 'stache. Nevertheless, it is a bold and fearless lip cover, the origins of which are sometimes dated as early as 800 B.C. among the Untouchables who fled Punjabi to become nomadic dancers and metallurgists en route to Barcelona. Django Reinhardt famously sported a chain of batatas bravas, as demonstrated here at Xunta Tapas on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, until a fateful trailer fire took three fingers and his sense of dignity. After that, depression set in and it was rumored that Stephane Grappelli forced Django to grow a baguettestache. One gypsy dancer woman even reported to have seen Grappelli slap Django with a hunk of charcuterie in the green room at the Quintette du Hot Club de France. This moustache should be worn after Labor Day and before President's Day.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Abe Lincoln and his pigwhiskers: A historical porkmoustache interlude.

Nineteenth-century historians often fail to credit the pork moustache for its pivotal role in electing one of the nation’s greatest presidents.

Abraham Lincoln, Republican presidential candidate and lifelong ‘stache-less politician, received a letter in the fall of 1860 from Grace Bedell, an eleven-year-old girl in New York, urging him to grow a pork moustache – or “pig whiskers” in the parlance of the day.

Grace wrote:

… part of [my brothers] will vote for you any way and if you let your pig whiskers grow I will try and get the rest of them to vote for you[. Y]ou would look a great deal better for your face is so thin. All the ladies like pig whiskers and they would tease their husband's to vote for you and then you would be President.

Lincoln responded to Grace:

As to the pig whiskers, having never worn any, do you not think people would call it a piece of silly affection if I were to begin it now?

Nonetheless, president-elect Lincoln heeded the little girl's pleas and, en route to the White House, arrived on the train platform of Grace’s hometown of Westfield, New York, with a porcine-plaited upper lip stretched wide in a victorious grin. News accounts of the day report that all agreed pig whiskers gave Lincoln’s gaunt face a stately aura of dignity and wisdom. Lincoln’s Democratic rival, the clean-shaven Stephen Douglas, is said to have claimed bitterly in private that he would have gained the presidential seat were it not for the silly vanities of pork-strumpets.

'stache #15 - bbq chicken leg

Considered the "Independence Day" food moustache, though contrary to popular opinion, the barbeque chicken leg moustache bears no relationship to the American July 4th celebration and requisite barbecue. Instead, this 'stache refers to the one day a year when Wichita, Kansas-resident Eddie Tutwiler was afforded the singular opportunity to leave his wife and five children (shirtless, and even pantsless) to go fishing by himself and "enjoy some goddamn peace and quiet for at least one goddamn day," as Tutwhiler was fond of muttering to himself when roughly eight Coors deep. Obviously, Tutwiler also grew a barbecue chicken moustache on these special days.

The barbecue chicken moustache obeys no fashion tenets.

'stache #14 - slawstache

Like all conglomerated food moustaches, the slaw moustache is not for beginners. Often made from a mixture of cabbage and carrots, the slaw moustache must be bound with mayonnaise or, for a healthier stache, olive oil. A failure to bind the primary ingredients it a common folly of beginner slawstachers. Little is known of the slaw stache’s origins, although it was prevalent at picnics and box socials as far back as the 18th century. The famous feud between Thomas Jefferson and John Adams is often attributed to a disagreement over the role of the slaw moustache in the young Republic. Although Adams’ final words, July 4, 1826, are famously recorded as "slawstaches win," in fact, they had not won, as Jefferson had died mere hours before at Monticello.

The slawstache may be worn year round, though it is only considered fashionable in the mid-Atlantic states. Damn you, Adams!

'stache #13 - the orange 'stache

Thought to fend off scurvy, the orange moustache was as common as salted meats and buggery among 18th century transatlantic sailors. While its disease fighting properties remain inconclusive, its stylishness has never been in doubt, with the brief exception of the bad old days when Gram Parsons left his snooty Florida family grove to sing country and play the dandy in his nudie suit. Often paired with a black t-shirt and blue jeans, the orange moustache remains a statement ‘stache.

The orange moustache may be worn year round in the northern hemisphere. You can see here it is modeled from streets of Hollywood to the Ivory Tower.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

'stache #12 - hushpuppystache

With origins in 19th century debtor prisons, it’s little wonder that the hushpuppy moustache retains its unsavory connotations. While not all 21st century hushpuppy ‘stache wearers are scofflaws, most are, and one would be wise to hold tight to his wallet in presence of this fried and breaded lip.

The hushpuppy moustache may be worn in dark alleys and gypsy encampments year round.

'stache #11 - tomato moustache

One of the trickiest of all food moustaches, the yellow tomato moustache, or “YTM” to the moustacherati, is notable for its unusual placement above the nose, (and looks quite like a fu manchu, really). While some question whether this strange 'stache is a moustache at all, they are mistaken, and likely jealous of the skill and aplomb with which the YTM wearer wears these joined tomatoes. On Michigan’s upper peninsula, the red tomato is also worn in this fashion.

The Yellow Tomato Moustache may be worn by experts at any time. This YTM is modeled by Prudence during the fearsome salmonella tomato scare of 2008.

'stache #10 - carrotstache

Often derided as the poor man’s bacon moustache, the carrot moustache has enjoyed something of a revival in recent years, not unlike Pabst Blue Ribbon, as hipsters have embraced the carrotstache with an enthusiasm typically reserved for tight jeans and bad haircuts. Worn ironically or not, the carrot moustache remains among the most historic of all American food moustaches, and is often credited with inspiring Jimmy Carter’s historic run for the presidency.

The carrot moustache is not fashionable per se, but nor is it unfashionable. One may wear it year round at his or her discretion.

'stache #9 - rosemary moustache

With its origins in the court of Henry IX, the rosemary moustache has never quite shed its association with British royalty. Given the fierce distrust with which the American colonists held the monarchy, it is little wonder that the wearing of the rosemary moustache remained cause for a trip to the stockades until the mid-19th century. Even now, despite its alluring aroma and skin-conditioning leaves, the rosemary moustache is little seen outside of the wealthier zip codes in the Northeastern United States.

Americans are advised against wearing the rosemary moustache outdoors.