'stache #49 - the bacon fat moustache

On pirogues weighed down with lead, salt, bacon fat, and thousands of Rush’s pills, Meriweather Lewis and William Clark set out to discover this great land we call the American West. Things were good, in the beginning, before the men (and Sacagawea) endured the long winters, capsized boats, and the plagues of disease that brought on burning and itching of the groin. In these early days, they had plenty of food to ‘stache and they refused to share it.

Here, from Clark's journal:

Aug 26 1804, Satturday, Mandans
came to a handsome village beyond the Hills. I walked up and smoked a pipe with the Chiefs of the Village and they were anxious that I would stay and eat with them. After jurking the Meat killed yesterday and prepareing the Elk Skins for a Toe Roape, York made up the presents for the Cheafs of which we had Several presents for each of buttones and ttwinee. We had from the Indian women Corn boil’d homney. aside the Chiefs explained they did not like buttones and wanted instead the fatty Bacon which sat above the Lip of myself and Captn Lewis. I said we not not even Speek of giving away our Bacon fat moostaches and instead pleeded York to make entertainment with his dance. our men very chearfull and celebrated the success of the day we each had a drammel of whiskey and a taste of Mandan woman, and we Set our Leaveing Drewer & Shannon to hunt the horses which was lost with directions to follow us keeping on the high lands

And from Lewis:

Aug 27, 1804
Capn Clark thinks he is so damn cleaver with the Cheafs but the Mandins are angry. they dserv too the fatty Bacond lip. Why, even Seaman wears one. Ah, the ennui I Feal.

The bacon fat moustache is appropriate everywhere all the time. It is hailed as a great moustache of wealth, both of wallet and of brotherly love.

'stache #7 & 8 - crabstache

Variations on the crab moustache may be seen throughout coastal areas of the world, from the Dungenessstache of the Oregon coast to the expensive and expansive giant pink crab 'stache of western Florida. Given its pointy nature, wearers of the crab moustache has long struck fear in the hearts of those from other areas, to the point that young children were often urged to go to bed, lest the crab moustacheman catch them awake. Contrary to these silly children's myths, the crab moustache wearers are a gentle, if briny, bunch.

The crab moustache may be worn year round, but only in areas within 60 miles of a saline body of water. Here, variations, from fin to claw, are modeled by Cornelius and his brother.

'stache #6 - cornstache

Considered the ‘stache that launched a thousand wagons, the westward migration of the American pioneers were driven largely by a desire to find new fertile lands with which to grow the corn which would feed the insatiable hunger for corn moustaches along the Eastern seaboard. Not surprisingly, both Illinois and Iowa are Native American terms that translate roughly to “a good place to grow corn for Eastern moustaches.” Although popular for nearly two centuries, the corn moustache was driven to near extinction by the Ethanol boom of the early 2000s.

Bah! Ethanol, shmethanol. Get out of the car, go for a walk, and wear the corn moustache primarily in summer months.

The First 'stache - prosciutto moustache

A close, uncured cousin of the bacon moustache, the prosciutto moustache has long been favored by young men of Italian descent, many of whom view the prosciutto stache as a first step toward the pancettastache, which remains the gold standard among Italian meat moustaches. Nevertheless, the prosciutto moustache remains so ingrained in Italian culture that the Pope himself is known to grow one while vacationing.

Cornelius 'stached this delicate prosciutto while dining at Mario Batali's OTTO Enoteca. Later, he ate testa. That means head, as in head cheese. Delicious! The prosciutto moustache may be worn year round.