'stache #43 - the cornichon moustache

The story of the cornichon moustache begins in Paris in the sultry summer of 1789. All the city's upstanding poor, unemployed, and forsaken French citizens had the good sense to get pissed about the skyrocketing price of bread and revolt against the man. Except one: the thirtysomething, former chef of and cuckholded lover of Marie Antoinette, Jacques Herbert de La Fayette. He was wedded to the Ancien Régime (that's French for "the old school") and completely missed the revolution. Whilst all ze other san-culottes were out storming ze streets, yelling, shooting guns in the air, and burning the monarch in effi- .. no wait, that's not quite right, that was the American revolution, right, right, right. What I meant to say was, while the French were dressed in their finest clothes, gathered in a nearby tennis court, busily drafting a finely-worded constitution, de La Fayette was in a little basement room pickling tiny gherkin cucumbers as a substitute 'stache for the now completely unaffordable baguettestache.

This distinctly aristocratic moustache is reserved for the hegemony, their brethren, the occasional upwardly-reaching bourgeois…, naturally,and Europeans. It is not appropriate for Americans to 'stache this little pickle and continue to believe that they are keeping it real. Because they are not.

'stache #38 - gummy worm moustache

Like all religious revolutionary 'staches, the gummy worm 'stache had sticky origins. In the middle of the night, November 1517, Martin Luther, cleverly 'stached a traditional German gummy worm, to sneak past the guards and nail his 95 theses to the door of the Wittenburg castle, thus kicking off the Protestant Reformation. In these brazen beginnings, no one knew about this clandestine 'stache naturally. But the religious fervor wore on Luther's nerves and he became, well, less than lucid at times and started frivolously wearing all types of candy moustaches. Things finally came to a head in 1521 when Luther was excommunicated from the Church -- as if he cared -- and was engaged in a screaming match with the Holy Roman Emperor, whereupon he ripped off his gummy lip scarf and slapped Charles V in the face with it. He was then declared an outlaw. That moment is now remembered as the Diet of Worms, and the moustache is, thoughtfully, remembered in the zen koan, not where he eats, but wear he and he is eaten.

The gummy worm moustache can be worn all year.

'stache #36 - duck moustache

“A wealthy man without duck on his lip is poor indeed.”
--Confucius

According to tradition, the duck moustache was first worn by the Chinese peasantry in the 6th century B.C. In 1266 A.D., Marco Polo’s discovery of the fowl lip-fringe in the court of Kublai Khan sparked an international duck craze that revolutionized global trade routes. It is now worn on six continents. Prized for its crispy skin and fatty texture, the duck ‘stache is truly a tasty delicacy. Peking duck, the national moustache of China, is carved and served with spring onions and hoisin sauce in a thin pancake. Keep an eye out for this moustache as a locus of controversy this summer in Beijing; human rights protesters are petitioning athletes not to ‘stache duck at the 2008 Olympic Games.

Dorcas ‘stached this sweet duck morsel, bathed in a traditional Japanese sukiyaki sauce, Wednesday night at Ten restaurant in Charlottesville, VA. Oishii! A waterfowl, duck is worn by omnivores, confused pescatarians, and liberal commie pinkos.