'stache #36 - duck moustache

“A wealthy man without duck on his lip is poor indeed.”
--Confucius

According to tradition, the duck moustache was first worn by the Chinese peasantry in the 6th century B.C. In 1266 A.D., Marco Polo’s discovery of the fowl lip-fringe in the court of Kublai Khan sparked an international duck craze that revolutionized global trade routes. It is now worn on six continents. Prized for its crispy skin and fatty texture, the duck ‘stache is truly a tasty delicacy. Peking duck, the national moustache of China, is carved and served with spring onions and hoisin sauce in a thin pancake. Keep an eye out for this moustache as a locus of controversy this summer in Beijing; human rights protesters are petitioning athletes not to ‘stache duck at the 2008 Olympic Games.

Dorcas ‘stached this sweet duck morsel, bathed in a traditional Japanese sukiyaki sauce, Wednesday night at Ten restaurant in Charlottesville, VA. Oishii! A waterfowl, duck is worn by omnivores, confused pescatarians, and liberal commie pinkos.

'stache #33 - french fry moustache

Perhaps the most variable of the all the tuber 'staches, the french fry moustache ranges from limp and oil-soaked to twice-fried crisp. Popularized during the War Between the States when the then-stylish potato moustache became simply too decadent for such trying circumstances, crafty southern soldiers were able to make upwards of 30 individuals moustaches out of what once would have been a single lipstripe. While the frying made for an exceptionally delicious 'stache, it was originally intended as a means to ward off insects, mosquitoes and horseflies notoriously repelled by fried starches.

Upon returning to their often devastated southern communities post war, the downtrodden southern soldier was often heartened to find much of the town wearing the 'stache in support of their brave boys. To this day, many south of the Mason-Dixon Line view the fry 'stache as a form of quiet rebellion.

The french fry moustache remains such a loaded symbol, we are hesitant to advise on its suitability for wearing.

'stache #29 - takoyaki moustache

Under Emperor Hideyoshi, 16th century Japan had become a pale, colorless land. But in 1598, Tokugawa Ieyasu, who despised Jesus and blandness, took power and ushered in the country's first Cherry Blossom festival in Kyoto and relegated the small Christian population to the dingier, less colorful city of Osaka. The next spring, Jesus lovers began shrinking the Pentateuch into tiny octopus capsules, or takoyaki, that would be worn as moustaches and later unraveled to reveal His Word. Tokugawa bedded down the lippy clandestine revolution in 1616 by outlawing all fish-based moustaches, and the style was thought to be lost forever. Until General Douglas MacArthur, of Little Rock, Arkansas, attempted to revive the octopus-ball style, and Christianity, in 1947, but quickly abandoned the look, having grossly miscalculated the smell of day-old octopus.

Christianity, one should note, also failed to take root, do in large part to Japan's love of Kawaii, or cuteness. The takoyaki 'stache may be worn only on grey or rainy days. This Arkansas native stached this octopus ball at Otafuku on East 9th Street in Manhattan.

'stache #27 - bánh mì sandwich moustache

The Bánh Mì Sandwich Moustache was first reported in or near the southern colony Cochin China, in the 1860s when the French defeated the Vietnamese army and gained control of area. In 1859, it is said that the French colonists arrived in this land of Khmer people waving baguettes, yelling for fancy cheeses, and complaining about being so le tired. So, as a form of grassroots resistance, the Vietnamese snatched up the silly French bread and created their own, made of a combination of rice and wheat flour. Inside they stacked their roast pork, marinated for days in fish sauce, with mayonnaise, pickled carrots, daikon, cilantro, jalapeños, and cucumbers. They flaunted this moustache to disrespect the French culinary sensitivity. More Bánh Mì Sandwich Moustaches appeared in seemingly unrelated events in Gia Dinh, Bien Hoa, and Dinh Tuong until it became the formal pièce de résistance of the colonized. In the 1980s, its cultural referent as a guerrilla tactic was lost, when the moustache was exported to the United States, unsurprisingly popular among the same groups of coffeehouse liberals that greet each other with "namaste", extol the benefits of Buddhism, worship Tom Robbins, and don Tibetan prayer flags on their porches.

This moustache should be worn indoors, but is often found at drum circles, generic festivals in east coast cities, and not surprisingly, directly outside the Bánh Mì Saigon Bakery.