George Washington and his Salty Lip - A Historical Porkmoustache Interlude

While it is common knowledge that GW sported a powdered wig and dentures, few Americans are aware of their first president's proclivity for the pork moustache. Indeed, the tree-chopping fable in which GW declared "I cannot tell a lie" stems from his fondness for the savoury-sweet flavor of cherry wood-smoked bacon. Although Martha Custis Washington burned their correspondence after GW's death, in accounts of family lore their courtship was fraught with bacon; George, as a young suitor, wooed Martha by donning a salty slab above his upper lip. As a Revolutionary War General, Washington sported an elaborately trimmed pork-stache and demanded that his officers present themselves similarly accoutered. In his presidential years, GW thought it fitting to wear a crispier 'stache.

'stache #26 - Fenway frank moustache

It was a hot day in June 1946 when slugger Ted Williams first 'stached the plump pork beauty of Fenway Park. A lone red seat high above right field now memorializes the spot, and Red Sox pilgrims journey from far and wide to honor the memory of that great day. Always en vogue among New England natives, the Fenway Frank ‘stache has enjoyed a resurgence of national popularity in recent years. Wearers of this meaty mouth trimming can be found amassed atop the Green Monster usually clad in some color combination of red, blue, and (occasionally) green. The list of notables who have sported this 'stache is impressive and too lengthy to detail in full—suffice it to say it includes Ted Williams, JFK, and Neil Diamond. Many politicians have been spotted with this John Hancock on their lip; indeed, it was while wearing the Fenway Frank ‘stache that FDR delivered his famous address promising never to send American servicemen into foreign wars. This failed campaign promise was often quoted by his critics after sushi-'stached sailors bombed Pearl Harbor and the U.S. entered the Second World War.

Wearers, be warned: sporting this ‘stache too often may result in a gastronomical malady commonly referred to as the Curse of the Bambino. The Fenway Frank moustache is never worn in winter months.

'stache #25 - hot dog moustache

One of the most enduring and popular of the twentieth century food moustaches, the hot dog moustache proliferated in the U.S. after thousands of soldiers returning from World War I came home wearing the frankfurter moustache common among German men.
Briefly rechristened the “Liberty meat tube moustache” as anti-German fervor rose in the 1940s, the compromise moniker “hot dog moustache” was decided upon at a 1948 committee meeting of stylish young American nativists and the primarily German-born frankfurter moustache vendors of the day. Today’s hot dog moustaches almost never contain real dog.

The hot dog moustache remains a winning, if slightly staid, food moustache. Wear it in the summer. Disclaimer: the hot dog 'stache is worn bunned by women only.

'stache #24 - BBQ chicken pizza crust moustache

Evidence of the fusion ‘stache craze sweeping the country in the late 1990s, the BBQ chicken pizza crust stache is one of the few surviving examples of a best-forgotten era. Once considered a cutting edge ‘stache, the barbecue chicken moustache lost its cache as its acceptance grew. Jim Belushi’s wearing of this particular stash at the 1999 Emmy awards is widely considered the final nail in its crusty coffin.

Although still worn in some midwestern suburbs, this is just not a cool ‘stache.

'stache #23 - pineapple moustache

European sailors first came into contact with the pineapple moustache in the seventeenth century, returning to their homelands with outlandish tales of the “diamond corn” the native Hawaiian peoples wore on their lips. Of course, wiser generations would soon discover that the tropical fruit was not “diamond corn” at all, but, of course, a “pine apple.”

Those lucky enough to have a pineapple moustache should wear it at all times.

'stache #22 - apple moustache

In a the 1800s, a heated and hateful rivalry between John “Johnny” Appleseed and Robert, “Bobby” Pearseed sparked the greatest Apple tree planting binge in recorded history. Ironically, John Appleseed did not approve of the apple moustache, deeming it “gauche.”

The apple moustache may be worn year round, but is at its peak in late fall.

'stache #21 - spring roll moustache

It has been said in mainland China for centuries: No Emperor shall both unite and secure the many peoples of China without assembling a great army, maintaining robust trade with neighbors, and lodging a spring roll under his nose.
Speaking of noses.

'stache #20 - bigote con datiles a plancha con touciño

The Bacon-Wrapped Date Moustache is a liphair of honor! Thought to be introduced by Philip V, the Bourbon King, the bacon-wrapped date 'stache was quickly devoured by the Spanish leisuring literati, always engaging in conspicuous consumption and imitating its enlightened despots! But who can blame them? This sweet porky morsel has survived the centuries, unscathed in reputation, and imitated only by the bacon-wrapped scallop 'stache. This moustache can be worn all year.